Some days

Some days I just want to give up. I don’t know if it’s the depression, the stress, or just the decisions I’ve made. Some days I am just ready to throw in the towel. Maybe run away and start all over. I get so angry and agitated over things my husband says and does, that I’m ready to just be alone. Go back to being a single mom and not a stepmom too because it brings so much complications with it. Maybe I don’t deal with stress well. And maybe I don’t know what a marriage is supposed to be. All I know is that my life is no where near what I want it to be and I’m not sure how to get it how I want it. I’m not even sure who I am without my husband and my kids. I have no life beyond them. I am very negative, and I am very codependent. So where do I go from here and how do I keep from wanting to throw in the towel and run away at least 3 times a week?

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Stand beside me

The most difficult lesson I have learned in my adventure is that I do not need saving. My husband and I have split several times and during that time I found myself happy and carefree. Then when we get back together, I go back to struggling. It wasn’t until today that I finally put my finger on the difference. My entire life, I’ve sought out a man to save me, accept me, protect me.

I need to accept that it’s not his place. I do not need him to save me. He does his job. He works, he loves, he protects and most important he accepts me. He doesn’t have the ability to save me from my demons. My childhood where i could never live up to anyone’s expectations. My first marriage when I could never live up to my first husbands expectations. And now, when I can’t live up to my own expectations. It’s not his place to fix that, it is mine. When we are apart, I shut all feelings down and do what has to be down. I have to do that when we are together as well. I am too busy trying to get him to shut the demons down and he can’t.

My first goal is to figure out how to stop setting expectations for myself. Stop being disappointed in myself for the things I’ve failed at but being proud for the things that I have achieved. Sometimes it’s hard to see those things but I have survived a lot that others would have bailed on.

Morning Love

The mornings are the most beautiful time of day at my house. After speaking with a friend, I decided to write a post regarding this beautiful moment at my house.

First off it should be said that my son has had to be grown since a young age, assisting me at the age of five to help care for his sister. He is grown beyond his years.

The age difference in my three kids help a lot. With the oldest two, they are pretty independent and in the mornings they know mama has to wake up first. We always do an easy breakfast except on the weekends. The lazier I am, the more mellow they are. So we do pop tarts in the mornings. We cuddle on the couch with the dogs and watch cartoons. It’s peaceful and usually a wonderful bonding experience. The trick to my youngest is early bedtimes. Once he gets plenty of sleep, he’s an angel baby when he wakes up. It’s smooth until about 11 o’clock.

Why am I bringing all this up? Because I have for many years suffered from depression. To this day I don’t think they have ever provided a medication that actually helped. Recently I started looking for other ways to cope because obviously what I was doing isn’t working. Most of my struggles fall back on depression. If I cannot combat it, then I cannot find my happy again.

I used to journal, but I cannot do that anymore. It doesn’t help the way it used to. On here, I can read about anything just about and write about anything. I may not have a lot of followers but just getting the thoughts out and telling my story helps to minimize the constant gloom.

I think we all need to appreciate little moments, and mornings are my favorite. Every morning almost is a good one. I get snuggles and love and my babies all get along for just this little amount of time.

I’ve learned that life is full of precious moments, and in a battle with yourself , recognizing those little moments is a big step. Being able to say, hey with all this crap this moment was perfect, is a big step in finding light in all the darkness. At least that’s my theory.

So mornings. Find a task for your babies, make it a routine, and get lots of cuddles. Appreciate that small moment, because even if the rest of the day is crap, you started the day with a happy moment.

Depression and Life

I work very hard as a mother, wife and employee. Well, I used to. I find myself fussing at my husband more often because he’s not doing things around the house. Things that I used to always do. No one can ever do enough. Truth is I just don’t want to do it. I want to hide under a blanket by myself all the time. Then I’m mad at my husband because he can’t fix me or even understand me. It’s not his fault or even his place. But I don’t know how to fix me so I have to blame someone.

I find the days growing more difficult to tolerate. I am short tempered with everyone around me. I tell myself every morning that I need to go run, I need to work on things around the house that drive me crazy and here I sit with my cellphone reading and being sad because so many bad things are happening.

People don’t understand so I shy away from them. My husband don’t understand so I get upset with him. At the end of the day I lost my happy and have no clue how to get the energy to even try to find it. I lost my way up. I couldn’t even tell you how long it’s been.

I’m so sleepy, so tired, so exhausted. Often I feel life has sucked everything out of me. All the mundane tasks of everyday life drive me crazy. I feel all I do is work and I can’t have any fun. I shy away from time with my kids and time by myself because I don’t know what to except stress over all the bad coming at me. I smile and pretend for my kids but they know. I am terrified they will fight the same battle I am and if I can’t help myself how do I help them?

Darkness

When you have nothing but darkness behind you, you hope for brighter days ahead. At the end of the tunnel, it’s all the same. Darkness in front, behind and consuming from all directions. No matter how hard u fight or how many torches you light, the darkness never fades. It can be kept at bay for short periods of time but every light burns out and it comes back. It holds you down, makes it hard to breathe, hard to see, and makes everyone around you see all the bad parts of you. The darkness always wants more and never gives up.

First and Foremost:

First and foremost, I would like to thank you for taking the time to read through my ranting’s.

Today I would like to speak out to all Step-moms struggling in their roles. As you can tell by the title, I am one year in.

The Backstory: My husband and I have been together almost ten years, we split for a short time, and he returned with baggage. ūüôā¬† That’s a little of my humor…… We are in a very good place regardless of the past issues we had encountered.¬† We are at a place in our marriage, and in our parenting endevours there are many struggles.¬† We have kids, I have a few from a previous marriage, and he has his from his previous marriage, and we have combined our families to make one whole family.¬† My childrens father abandoned them when the youngest was born. When my husband and I got together, he stepped full on into the father role. He has done an amazing job doing so. He participates in everything, school, sports, dance, ballet, and karate.¬† Not all simultaneously thank goodness.When we decided to work our marital problems out, I knew that meant accepting another child as my own, and at the same time, accepting the mother as well. This was trying at first, but has ironed out.¬† We all talk, get along, shes invited to birthdays, sports events, karate, and even asked to babysit our kids on occasion. we all get along very well.

The¬†Problem: I bring forth today is simple. The bio mother makes it very difficult for me to bond with my step-child due to the fact that she consistently asserts her dominance.¬† I am fully aware that she is the mother, and I want in no way for the child to see me as mom.¬† It is almost as she doesn’t see me as a bonus mom, I am not a mom at all in her eyes, for this child. I basically feel as she has placed me in a glorified babysitting role.¬† She talks everything over with her husband and he’s included in all decisions she makes. However, my opinion is not asked for, nor warranted for her.¬† My husband does a wonderful job including me on things that he sees as important, but she will message me over every little thing to have a discussion or to explain how she feels.

Social Media.¬† I have learned that this is a No-No in this situation. I cannot have a social media account that she is not a part of, because then she feels as if I am alienating her and has a fit about it.¬† However, if I have her on my social media account, anytime someone refers to me as mom or makes jokes, she corrects them and is rude about it.¬† I make very clear to everyone the difference between my children and my stepchild (against my better judgment).¬†I don’t understand why I have to differentiate, they are all my kids in one way or another. I also have several¬†“adopted” kids that stay with me more than home. I refer to them as my kids as well. ¬†I am not sure what else she wants from me.¬† I don’t feel there is anymore that I can do.¬† I deleted Social Media some time ago and haven’t turned back.¬† I lost contact with many friends and relatives, but its better than the aggravation it was causing.¬† She doesn’t understand those comments, though understandable, increase the wedge between my step-child and myself.

Growing a bond.¬† Growing a bond with a stepchild takes time when you are not the only parent there.¬† My husband stepped into the role easy, because he was never challenged in his role in this family. I feel as if I am always being challenged.¬† I have to okay discipline, education, clothing, diapers, bottles, vacations, visits, and everything with bio mom.¬† Not my husband, but the bio mom.¬† All in the efforts to keep peace. I do not want to stress my husband out with more drama, and at the same time I don’t want her to feel as if she’s not important.¬† I don’t want her to think I am disrespectful to her, however, I need to build a bond with¬†a child that I did not birth but I care for as if he were my own.¬†I feel like I can never do right in this situation. I feel that I am always being watched and scrutinized.¬† From social media, to text messages, to shirts I buy, or family things.¬† I referred to all the¬†kids by my husbands last name the other day (the —¬†group) and she got upset.¬† Granted my children do not have my husbands name, and¬†neither does hers—¬†but that’s our house, and how we¬†refer to the¬†kids (and the dogs).¬† Its always a big deal. She always has a complaint, but then if we don’t talk to her, we get a complaint.

Anyone wanna chime in and help me understand how this coparenting thing actually works without someone always being upset, or butt hurt over silly shit?¬†¬† What is my role, cause at this point I don’t feel that I have one.

 

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. ‚ÄĒ Izaak Walton